


Broken Brother

by Koalagriton



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-13 23:36:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4541817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koalagriton/pseuds/Koalagriton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the events of "Clash of the Mutanimals" Raphael is mind controlled but this time Shredder has perfected the serum and uses Raph to fight his brohters more efficiently. They fear his mind is broken and he may be lost to them forever but he seems to remember Leonardo and is drawn to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Way Blue Tastes

He finds the blue one alone on a rooftop. He's not sure what brings him here to this particular spot some nights only that he keeps feeling himself drawn to this place when he's close. Tonight Blue is there too, and he's found the little portable fridge under some cardboard in a corner and has pulled out one of the beers. Blue isn't drinking it though, he's just looking at it with a terribly sad expression on his face. Must not be the kind he likes.

The black tails of his mask billow softly from his perch on a nearby ledge as he watches the other turtle for a moment. He wonders why Blue isn't happy. He should be pleased, he managed to defeat his foot soldiers and drive them into retreat without completing the mission. He frowns, Master Shredder will probably punish him when he returns later for failing again.

The sharp snap and hiss of the can being opened pulls him from his thoughts. Blue is taking a sip from the can with a grimace on his face and shuddering after he's swallowed. If he doesn't like the stuff then why is he drinking it? But somewhere inside him he is pleased Blue is drinking, he's glad he convinced stuck-up Fearless to come with him for a beer and unwind--

No, that can't be right. Where did that come from? He shakes his head to rid himself of the strange thought. Master Shredder warned him this could happen. He'll have to tell him about it so Baxter Stockman can make the thoughts go away again.

"To you, Raph, wherever you are." The Blue one says with his can lifted in the air facing away from him. He knows Blue means him when he says that name. They call him that when they fight. They yell it at him in desperate pleas as he pummels them silently. They also call him brother, but it's all a trick to confuse him, Master Shredder told him.

"Don't speak with them, don't listen to them." Master Shredder ordered and he obeys, but he never said anything about not looking at them. So he does.

He lands softly behind Blue and the turtle turns around quickly dropping the can and reaching for his swords before freezing at the sight of him. "Raph?" he asks quietly and his hand near the grip of the sword twitches. Blue lowers it slowly when he doesn't make a move to engage in combat.

He's looking at the can on the floor, spilling out it's contents, with a frown. He walks over to it and lifts it, there's still some left inside. He hands it back to Blue who hesitates before reaching for it and taking it from him.

He isn't drinking. Blue is just standing there smiling at him as they regard each other in silence.  _ Why? Why are you looking at me that way?  _ He looks at the can and then back at Blue who seems to take a hint and takes another sip with another grimace.

"G-good stuff." He says through a shudder and another smile and the obvious lie makes him feel good for some reason.

Master Shredder didn't say anything about not touching them either so he does. He steps closer to Blue who stiffens slightly when he reaches out for him. His fingers brush over Blue's plastron. It feels like his own. He feels confused, this doesn't seem like a trick, Blue feels just like him, but Master Shredder said...

"You're like me." Blue says softly and he covers the exploring hand with his own. They are both similar, maybe his is larger and darker but he knows this other strange hand. This lighter and slender hand has touched him like this before, hasn't it?

Blue's touch warms him and he steps a little closer. The other turtle's eyes are searching his own.  _ What are you looking for?  _ They are big and blue like his mask and full of... hope? Love. They are full of love for him.  _ Do you love me? _

He can smell Blue's scent from here and it's familiar and comforting in a way he cannot fully comprehend. He's allowed to smell so he takes in the warm scent with a deep breath. It reminds him of cold winters under blankets, warm bodies pressed tightly together to fend off the chill, soft whispers, shared secrets, and laughter when they were supposed to be sleeping.

_ Taste _ . It feels more like an order from his brain so he obeys and presses his lips to Blue's. His eyes are cracked opened so he sees the way the other turtle's eyes go wide with surprise and Blue tries to pull back but he follows. This doesn't bring any strange thoughts so he feels safe searching the other for answers this way. Blue's eyes slide shut after a moment and he relaxes to his exploration. His tongue pushes past Blue's lips and dips into the cool mouth. He tastes of beer and something else, something spicy and rich which tastes just like he smells.

He's watching Blue as he's kissing him, sliding his tongue over his, brushing over the back of his teeth. Blue is breathing harshly through his nostrils, his eyes are shut tightly and he whimpers softly when he presses his body to him and holds him close. Blue's skin under his fingers feels good, all of Blue makes him feel good and he wishes he could stay longer but it's getting late and Master Shredder will be angrier if he's late.

He reluctantly pulls his lips away from Blue's, sliding his tongue out of the warmed mouth and watches the turtles eyes open slowly, still clinging to him and panting with a deep blush over his face. Blue looks confused and embarrassed which makes him feel better. He likes this look on Blue.

He pulls away and walks to the ledge, "Wait! Raph, please." Blue sounds breathless and it pleases him. "Don't go, come back with me."

He ignores him and jumps away heading for the fortress, his home. The taste of Blue is still on his tongue and it makes him smile. He decides he won't tell Master Shredder about the thoughts. He doesn't want Baxter Stockman to make him forget. He wants to remember the way Blue looks just after he's kissed him.

 


	2. Purple and Spiders

He wasn't sure why he hadn't taken his captive back to Master Shredder, it was what he had been ordered. He found that recently he was able to bend his will around the orders slightly even though he couldn't disobey them outright. He would take the turtle to Shredder eventually, he just wanted a moment with it first.

He placed his prisoner gently on the dusty floor of the empty construction site and examined him. He had come across the purple one alone rummaging in a junk yard. Purple didn't even notice him as he followed him for a while, humming and talking to himself about the items he came across. For some reason, his careless behaviour angered him so he sneaked up to him and knocked him out with a swift and calculated strike to the side of his head with the handle of his sai.

Purple would be waking up soon and it wouldn't do to have him escape before he was done with him so he looked for something to tie the turtle up with. He looped some wiring behind a pipe and tied both of the turtle's wrists firmly above his head. He paused to look at his hands. It was what had irked him the most when he encountered these creatures. Their hands looked just like his. He pressed the palm of one of his against Purple's olive palm, uncurling the limp fingers to compare them to his own, pressed together. The fingers twitched and he looked down to find Purple's red-brown eyes staring up at him.

“Raph? W-what? Did you _kidnap_ me!?” His voice did an incredulous high-pitched screech at the end and he turned away from it. He didn't like that noise. He growled at Purple, his teeth bared less than in inch from his face and he went silent. When he was satisfied the turtle wouldn't continue speaking he stood up to get a good look at his prisoner. Something moved by his foot. A spider! He lifted it to stomp on the disgusting creature.

“No! Don't kill it! You shouldn't kill spiders.”

He looked at Purple with his foot held up in the air and then stepped back quickly. _You shouldn't kill spiders, spiders are important._ A young voice echoed in his head.

“ _But spiders are gross!”_

“ _Nuh-uh! They eat other insects. Did you know that a single spider eats two thousand insects in its lifetime? Imagine how many more bugs there would be if you killed them!”_

They both watched in silence as the spider crawled away while the voices still echoed in his head. Purple was always like that, kind to the smaller creatures, fascinated by everything and spewing facts about the universe. He paced the room angrily, suddenly furious. He wanted to scold Purple, he was so careless! Anyone could have sneaked up on him and hurt him! What if the foot--

He paused and looked back at Purple, wide-eyed. He was the foot, the foot did sneak up on him and hurt him. Why was he angry about it? It didn't make any sense. He brought his face closer to Purple's, his hands gripping the other turtle's. _What is it about you that makes me feel like I need to protect you?_ _Why can't I help but listen to you?_ _You are my enemy, I shouldn't feel this way_.

He flattened his palms on Purple's wrists and then slid them down over forearms, elbows and biceps. He was different to him, longer, taller, a different hue, but he seemed so familiar. He reached the turtle's shoulders and felt around his neck, he noticed Purple swallowing nervously as his fingers circled it and then shiver when he brushed them over it and along his jaw.

Their eyes met and he held Purple's gaze for a second. Just as Blue had, this one was searching him for something. What are you looking for? Purple parted his lips slightly as if to say something but he didn't, revealing the gap in his teeth. He knew that gap. He used his thumb to brush over it and Purple turned his head away sharply, pressing his lips closed and running his tongue over his teeth blushing furiously.

He didn't care, he nuzzled the side of his jaw as Purple complained with another incredulous screech, and breathed in his scent: motor oil, antiseptic and his natural earthy smell. It was comforting in a different way than Blue's. It reminded him of soothing hands when he was hurt, soothing words when he was upset, the way he would explain things to him patiently and how his chest would fill with pride when he heard him say 'I've got an idea!'.

He held him close and kept nuzzling Purple. “Raph,” he looked up at him. “Raph, let me go, I'm not going anywhere.”

He hesitated for a moment and then reached up and released his hands. He tensed when Purple moved his arms towards him but relaxed when they only embraced him tightly. He buried his face again into Purple's wet neck. Huh? When did that happen? Purple moved his hands, one to cradle the back of his head and the other to wipe the tears from his cheek.

He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be listening to them, Master Shredder ordered him not to. He pulled away from Purple roughly, toppling him over. He needed to get out of here. Maybe he should tell Master Shredder about this. He was calm and at peace before, when his mind was empty of everything but his Master's voice. Now emotions swirled around inside of him like a storm, tearing him apart and he didn't know what to do with them. He wanted to run, fight, scream, and crush things with his hands.

“Raph!” Purple fell to his knees beside him as he gripped his head and cried out in pain. “Talk to me, Raph!” But he could only shake his head. He needed to leave. Now. Before he turned his fury on the turtle.

He ran as fast as he could as Purple called his name desperately.


	3. Orange and Bats

The orange one was difficult to get on his own. He stayed close to the others. Maybe now it would be even harder if the others told him he was stalking them. Slowly he had been recovering some memories, broken bits and pieces of their lives., enough to anticipate where he would find the little one.

He staked out the pizza restaurant for three days before he caught sight of him. He was fast, he hadn't even noticed he was there until he was leaving, pizza box in hand. Instead of going back into the sewers how he thought he would he jumped up a fire escape and bolted across the rooftops.

He stayed close on Orange's heels wondering where he would be going until the turtle came to a complete stop on a familiar rooftop. This was where he had shown himself to Blue that time, the rooftop with the hidden beer. When he had returned a few nights after he had kidnapped Purple he found other items left on this roof in a plastic bin: a small crate with a dried lettuce leaf, drum sticks , a comic book and a half eaten slice of pizza. He had looked through them turning them over in his hands, wondering what they meant. He felt something but he wasn't sure what it was.

Orange turned around to face him and hesitated as he looked him over, his smile dropping from his face. He was looking at the healing cuts and welts that criss-crossed his arms and legs, the purple bruise that took up his jaw and the side of his head and the jagged cuts on the front of his plastron. They weren't too deep, he'd heal. Master Shredder had not been pleased at his continued failures or the knowledge that he'd been in position to end Blue and Purple and hadn't. His Master had grown wary of his continued absences and he'd had no option but to answer his questions when he was asked directly. He couldn't disobey that voice even if he wanted to. He should be angry at the turtles for stopping his missions over and over but he wasn't. It was what they did.

The small turtle's smile returned a little less brightly and he sat on the roof opening the box of pizza and pulling out a slice. “You want some or not?” He said out loud.

He stepped out into the light and walked up to the turtle, looking around. This felt too much like a trap. After the turtle kept talking nonsense and eating slices with nothing else happening he sat down in front of him but didn't touch the food.

“Not gonna have any? I got your favourite, chocolate and pepperoni.” He nudged the box towards him but he ignored the turtle.

He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, something crossed in front of the light and he was up immediately, weapons out and eyes darting through the shadows looking for an enemy.

Orange turned to where he was looking. “It's the bats.” He waved his pizza around flapping it slightly to mimic a bat. “Don't you remember? We used to watch them all the time! They swoop near the light where all the bugs are flying to hunt.”

He looked towards the light as Orange made swooping noises and screeches with his half eaten slice waiting for something to happen and then he saw it, the shadow swooping quickly, arching near the glow of the light and then flying away. He followed the creature with his eyes until it flew out of sight. His eyes darted to Orange's and the turtle grinned.

“They're so cool! Aren't they?” Orange lifted the box with half the pizza left and held it in his direction. “I wanted one as a pet. I thought I could tie a little leash around it's foot and fly him like a kite when we went on patrol! But you and Donnie said bats needed to be free and he'd probably die if I kept it in capi- capvi- cap-ti-vi-ty.”

He put away his weapons and sat down beside the turtle, reaching for a piece of pizza and eating it hungrily. He hadn't eaten in a couple days and his stomach was growling angrily. The turtle tensed up as he inched closer to reach the box easier and then settled down again as he munched on the pizza. It didn't taste as good as he thought it would. If he could speak to him he would ask if he had left those strange items on the roof for him to find, but he couldn't so he ate in silence as Orange went on an on about pizza and his family. _Must be nice_ , he mused, _having a family to watch the bats with and eat pizza._

When he was done eating he got up to leave but Orange stopped him by holding on to his hand. “You could come back with us.” He pleaded with huge sad blue eyes. “You don't have to go back to the Shredder, Raph. Come home with me! It's okay, Donnie will fix it and you won't have to follow his orders any more.” He breathed in to steady his wavering voice. “He won't hurt you any more, come with me, Raph.” He held out a shaky hand and waited.

He looked at Orange, confused. _Fix what?_ He didn't understand. He turned to leave again but Orange pulled him into a tight hug. The small turtle was sobbing into his shoulder like a little kid and he lifted a hand to push him away but ended up stroking the back of his head instead. _Why did it hurt to hear him like this?_

His vision blurred suddenly and he leaned against the turtle to steady himself. “I'm sorry, Raph, I can't let you go back to him. He's going to kill you, he doesn't care if you die!”

 _Poison._ Orange had poisoned him! His vision swam and he pushed the turtle roughly away but when he turned to run his legs wouldn't cooperate as they should and he just staggered forward to the ledge. He wouldn't be able to jump to the next roof like this. He tripped with his next step over his own feet and toppled forward to go over the side but a strong hand gripped him on the edge of his carapace and pulled him back. He fell into the open, waiting arms of Blue. Orange and Purple helped to lower him onto the ground.

“What did they do to him!?” Blue sounded furious as he looked him over. He preferred how he looked when he had kissed him. He was having a hard time thinking as everything spun around him and the backround was blurring but he focused on Blue's face, raising a clumsy hand to touch a leaf green cheek. His numb fingers barely brushed it before Blue was gently pulling it away, changing his venomous expression for a soft smile. _That's better._

Purple hissed in sympathy as he extended an arm to take a better look at the damage, his thumb drew soothing circles over the back of his other hand. “I think some of these are infected. I can't do anything here we're going to have to take him back and I'll look him over in the lab.”

“I thought it wasn't going to work, he was already leaving before he was even woozy!” Orange exclaimed worriedly as they lifted him and manoeuvred him down the fire escape.

“He ate too quickly, the paralysing drug needs time to take effect. He's lost quite a bit of weight too, I'm worried I might have put too high a dose in there. I'm surprised he isn't unconscious.” Purple answered as he hopped down ahead and knocked on the side of a van.

“They mustn't be giving him much food.” Blue muttered as he lifted him into a fireman's carry with help of orange and jumped the rest of the way down.

A human stepped out of the van and opened the back doors, then helped Blue lay him down on a blanket inside. “No foot in sight.” He said.

“Drive in circles until Donnie can confirm they didn't put a tracker on him.” Blue answered and then put his hand on his cheek and rubbed it with his thumb. After a moment he slid his hand under his neck and lifted his head to tuck his leg under as a pillow .

They tricked him, it was a trap after all. He was having a hard time keeping his eyes open and he probably wasn't doing a good job of glaring at them when his face felt so numb. He didn't blame them for it anyway. He didn't really want to go back to his cold cell .

“Shit!” Purple exclaimed and he tried to focus on him to not give in to the drugs and close his eyes. “He has a tracker all right... in his arm. I think they cut him up like that to camouflage the incision. I'm... going to have to cut it out of him now, they could be following us as we speak.”

“Okay, do it.” Blue ordered. He must have seen a panicked look on his drugged face because he met his gaze, stroked his head gently and said firmly in a voice that brooked no argument, “Don't worry, we've got you. Everything is going to be fine.”

He couldn't help but believe that voice. _Leo won't let anything happen to me_ , he thought as he faded into sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

He woke to the sound of hushed voices arguing. His limbs and eyelids felt like lead and he struggled to keep awake.

“We have to consider the possibility, Leo, just like Slash and Rockwell were released and let themselves be caught to attack when our guard was down. The timing and placement of the trackers is too much of a coincidence.”

“We won't let our guard down, Donnie, but we aren't going to treat our brother like a prisoner. They couldn't have known we were preparing to capture him.”

“He was staking out the pizza place for at least two full nights before we caught him. There is no way The Shredder wasn't aware of where he was with the trackers in him. I think this is going exactly as he had planned.”

“Dudes...”

The turtles quieted and he felt a cool hand on his head. “Raph?”

He shivered at how cold the hand was but it was soothing his pounding headache. He parted his lips slightly and groaned. He hurt all over, specially his left arm.

“Can you open your eyes, Raph? Come on, big guy.” Purple. He sounded worried. “Heyyy, Raph, you okay there, bro?”

He looked around the room. There were machines, science equipment and parts strewn over every surface. On a table beside him there were needles, scalpels, bandages and vials with different liquids. I'm in a lab, like Stockman's.

He must have looked frightened, “Shhh, it's okay Raph, you're safe here. No one is going to hurt you.” Blue. He instantly calmed down and reached for him through the pain as he moved his good arm. He gripped Blue's shoulder weakly and he covered his hand with his, smiling warmly at him. He started pulling Blue towards him but in this state he wouldn't be able to move him unless he wanted to.

“Could you give us a moment, guys?” Blue and Purple exchanged a glance.

Purple's mouth was set in a firm line and he looked as if he were about to resist but then shrugged and pulled Orange with him. “Come on Mikey, lets make Raph something to eat, he must be hungry.”

When they closed the door behind them he resumed trying to tug Blue closer and this time he relented. Blue put his forehead against his but it wasn't enough. “Raph...” He sounded pained and it made him pause.

He put his hands on the side of Blue's head, cradling the back with his fingers and rubbing circles on his cheek with his thumb. He looked into blue eyes, wishing he could speak. _This is why you brought me here, right Blue? Because you love me. I love you too._

Blue sighed, eyes darting to the door and then closing. He let himself be pulled down and their lips touched. He stiffened for a moment as he kissed Blue's lips softly, the edge of his mouth first, brushing his lips against Blue's and then tilting his head and pressing them together. He opened his mouth slightly to pull Blue's bottom lip into his mouth, biting gently and causing Blue to sigh against him.

He cracked his eyes open and smiled at what he saw. Blue was beautiful, face flushed and breathing hard, expression soft and lips parted waiting for more... He could see his pink tongue just past those lips so he touched it with his own and Blue moaned at the feeling. He delved deep into his mouth, sliding over the other's tongue, exploring the ridged roof and the soft insides of his cheeks. Blue felt cold to him but he would warm him up quickly like this. The sound of the wet slide of his tongue in the other's mouth and their lips as they pulled away and came back together was loud in his ears.

Blue pulled away suddenly and held him back when he tried to follow him. “Raph,” He said breathlessly between pants. “You can't do this.” He looked at Blue, confused, hurt. “Not... not in front of the others, okay?” He said more quietly, holding him close. “They won't understand. I'm not sure I understand...”

Blue kissed him softly on the lips before pulling away completely. “Okay?” He nodded.

Blue barely had time to compose himself before there was a knock on the door. It opened part way and Purple looked inside. “Everything all right?”

“Yes, Donnie, everything is fine.” Blue answered without looking at him.

Orange pushed past Purple holding a tray, “Dude, get out the way! Raph, we made you some sandwiches and soup!”

“You still have a fever but these meds will take care of that soon. Take it easy, okay?” Purple interrupted. “Try not to move around too much and please don't use that arm or that leg.” Purple gestured to his left arm covered in bandages from the shoulder to the wrist and his right leg under the covers. “I had to cut pretty deep to take out the tracking devices. Do you understand, Raph?” Purple paused for a moment waiting for something. “Just, don't use your left arm or walk around yet, okay?”

His eyes were set on Orange since the moment they entered. The turtle approached him with a tray and he eyed him suspiciously and then examined the food, sniffing at the bread and the mug full of soup.

“It's not drugged.” Blue told him. “We only did that to get you here without hurting you, Raph. Now you're here and everything is going to be okay. Eat up, Raph you need to get your strength back.” Blue pat his good knee covered by the blankets and it was all he needed to dig in. He was starving.

“You were out for the rest of the night and most of the morning. I'm sorry Raph, I calculated the dosage with your previous weight. I didn't realise how much you had lost in the weeks you were... gone.” He finished sadly, placing a hand on his carapace as he ate.

Orange sat beside him on the bed on his other side, leaning into him slightly and Blue got up from his chair letting Purple take his place. “I'll go talk to Master Splinter. He'll want to know he's awake and come see him before he goes back to sleep.”

Purple nodded and handed him a glass with water and some pills which he eyed nervously when they were put in front of him. “Some of your cuts are infected.” Blue said softly with a hand on his shoulder. “You need to take the medicine to get better, you have a fever Raph.” He placed a cold hand on his head to demonstrate the difference in temperature and he took the pills from Purple and swallowed them before going back to devouring his food.

“Dude. Raph listening to you and doing what you tell him without a fight? I got the chills!”

“Me too.” Purple agreed but he was more serious than Orange, looking him up and down with those thoughtful red-brown eyes.

* * *

Days had passed and his brother was no closer to being returned to normal than when they had just brought him here. Leonardo sighed. He had been so sure it would be as easy as the first time. He should have known it wasn't the case after their first encounter facing Raph as he lead a group of Foot Ninja against them.

No matter how much he provoked and insulted him he wouldn't even bat an eye. He ignored everything they said and attacked them savagely, silently. They called to him but he wouldn't listen. He had looked at them as if he didn't know them at all, shocked to find other mutant turtles. They nearly didn't make it out alive from the fight. The next few times they managed to come across him they were more careful but made no progress reaching him.

They feared they had lost him, until he had come across Raph on the roof that night. He wasn't sure if there had been any recognition but he had to have had some memory of that place to show up there. Then Raph had kissed him and he knew he didn't remember who he was. His Raph would have never done that. At least... that's what he thought. When he told the the others what had happened he left that part out.

It wasn't until they planned to capture Raph after he was spotted staking out the pizza place that he had disclosed the whole story of what he'd done on the roof to Donnie in confidence. He already felt guilty over what he had allowed to happen and then hiding it from everyone. It was driving him insane and he needed to tell him to sort his thoughts and in case Raph did it again once he was with them. They sat in silence for a while after telling the story. It affected Donnie more than he thought it would.

“He did that because... he isn't Raph anymore.” Donnie's face contorted and he looked away. “He... he isn't our... brother.” He had to stop talking to bite back a sob, his breath coming through in choppy gasps as he covered his mouth and leaned forward with his head bowed.

“There's something there or he wouldn't have come to us, Donnie. There has to be...” His own voice cracked at the end and he pulled Donnie into an embrace as his brother started sobbing, trying to fight back his own tears. He needed to be strong for him.

When he was certain his voice would come out steadily he continued. “He remembers he loves us and that's enough for now. We'll figure it out.” Donnie was hiccuping softly against his neck and after a moment he straightened and released his brother. “Do you think I did the right thing? I let him... do what he wanted. I didn't pull away from him. I could have stopped it.”

“I don't know.” Donnie said after searching his brother's gaze for a moment. “After your encounter he's been different with all of us so perhaps it was the right thing to do. He doesn't seem to respond to what we tell him so maybe this was the only way he would understand you love him, by not pushing him away.”

“What if... he tries again when he's here?”

Donnie frowned and then shrugged. “I really don't know, Leo. I'm not going to say something that obligates you to do anything like that if you're uncomfortable with it. All I can tell you is: trust your instinct and I'm with you whatever decision you take.”

That was nearly a week ago. Raph had been with them for five days now. They had called the Mutanimals and Rockwell as soon as Raph was awake to have him come over and try to snap him out of it but nothing worked. They weren't using worms anymore, they must have perfected the formula but Donnie couldn't find anything in his bloodstream or any other anomalies in his scan. They were at a loss.

The next few weeks Rockwell and Donnie worked on a solution but Raph wasn't responding well to their tests. They still hadn't figured out why he couldn't speak either. He wasn't completely mute, he still made noises just not very often. He didn't even try to communicate with them, to the exception of Leo. He would stay by him whenever he could, touching him if he was allowed even if it was just their legs brushing as they sat side by side watching tv.

That was another thing that irked them. Donnie had noticed the differences straight away but kept it to himself until the rest of them did too. It was one of the first tests he did when Raph arrived. He had made him a sandwich with pickles and tuna, two things their Raph despised but he didn't even make a face as he devoured the food.

“Maybe he was just really hungry?” Leo had said, trying to come up with another explanation that wasn't so frightening.

Raph was also eating large quantities of food. With his leg and arm in the torn up state they were he had been confined to his bed for the first few days and then had to take it easy moving around after that. He ate a LOT. Whenever food was put in front of him he devoured as much as he could as if they would take it away from him if he didn't. Meals made him anxious even before the food was out. They all tried to calm him and explain to him that he didn't need to act that way but it was useless.

They hadn't bothered controlling the amount he ate, thinking he would stop the behaviour when he eventually learned that he wasn't going to go hungry and food was always readily available to him when he needed it. He was putting on weight quickly but he had lost a lot of it while he was captive so they let it slide.

“If he were still our Raph he would hate it.” Donnie spoke when he was trying to convince Leo of his point of view.

Leo knew what he meant. Raph was soft now where he used to be bulging, rock hard muscle. His cheeks were rounded and his thighs had a little bounce when he walked around. His Raph honed his muscles and trained his strength the same way Leo cared for his katanas and perfected his form, with a determination just short of obsession. He couldn't hold this against Raph though and he let Donnie know that they just needed to give him some time while he recovered. They'd have him back to training as soon as he was himself again. It's no big deal.

Then Raph sat down happily with him to watch Space Heroes and his heart broke a little inside. He got up as soon as it was over and with the excuse that he was going to meditate he wept alone in the dojo in silence. Maybe he had to start coming to terms with the fact that the old Raph was gone and they were left with this new different Raph that wasn't Raph at all. Mikey had started to call him pod-Raph whenever he did something completely out of character, which was often.

“Your brother is not lost forever, Leonardo.” Master Splinter spoke softly to him, a furry hand on his shoulder. Leonardo brushed away his tears quickly and faced him. “You probably do not remember, you were very young,” he continued, “but when you were little, Raphael was the smallest of you four and you were the tallest. He would follow you everywhere and do everything that you would do, he adored the ground you walked on and imitated you in everything.”

Leonardo looked at him confused. He didn't remember that, only an annoying little brother who took his toys and bothered him all the time, who wouldn't leave him alone for one second and cried A LOT.

Master Splinter chuckled softly at his expression. “Yes, you probably remember it differently from the eyes of a child but this Raphael reminds me of Raphael when he was younger. There is still hope, he just needs time to find himself again.”

Leonardo nodded but inside he was thinking how he was NOT like little Raph at all. He would remember if young Raph had kissed him the way this Raph had. He was also sneaking into his room every night and crawling into his bed when everyone was asleep. Though he hadn't tried anything since that first day in the lab he felt enough shame to decide he had to put a stop to all of it. It wasn't only about Raph, he didn't like the way he was responding to it himself. Raph felt so good in his arms, like he belonged there and he found himself being swept away by his emotions whenever he remembered his kiss at odd times during the day, the memory warming him all over.

“There is at least one thing we know he still remembers and that is his love for his brothers and specially for you. Even older Raphael felt this way, though he expressed it somewhat... differently. Right now this Raphael needs your support and love in a different way than you are accustomed to. You must be patient with him, Leonardo. Just as when you were children, you are his world, his link to the rest of the family. I am certain you will also be the key to bringing him back to us whole.”

“Hai Sensei.” Leonardo answered but inside he was terribly conflicted as he watched his father smile and leave him to meditate. Master Splinter didn't understand exactly what kind of affection Raphael was asking of him. If he knew, he was certain he would never approve.

What they were doing was wrong, and even if Master Splinter was right and Raph was going through some sort of regression, he shouldn't allow it. Raph would never forgive him once he came back to his senses. Right? There's no way Raphael was feeling this way before this incident.

He avoided Raph's touch for the rest of the day and scowled at how content this imposter was at staying weeks inside with nothing to distract him but staring at the tv and watching them train. The real Raph would be stir crazy after a few days. He would also sometimes spend time staring off into space like a zombie until one of them snapped him out of it.

Once nightfall came he slipped out of the lair and ran through the tunnels burning off his frustration as he pushed himself to exhaustion. He came home late after everyone had gone to sleep and Raph was nowhere to be seen. Good. He slipped into his room, removed his gear and collapsed onto the bed. He should have showered but he was too tired and he didn't want to risk waking anyone.

He squirmed on his bed to get under the covers without getting up and turned his shell to the door. It felt strange sleeping in his bed alone after weeks of Raph's company. No. It's better this way. If he does come he would have to send him away so it's better if he doesn't.

The door opened a while later, and he heard the soft pat of feet he knew were Raph's as he approached the bed. He squashed the ridiculously strong feeling of relief he felt at his proximity.

“Go to your room, Raph. Leave me alone.” He said firmly without turning around and he heard Raph stop but not leave. “Go _away_ , Raph.” He said again raising his voice and his tone sounded mean in his ears. He pushed away his guilt and focussed on his anger instead. He needed to stop this behaviour once and for all. “You shouldn't be here. Sleep in your own room, you're not a baby any more.”

After a moment of silence a broken sob made him turn without being able to stop himself and he stared at his brother. His face was contorted in a grimace of pain, he had one hand held to his chest as if he had been stabbed and with the other he reached out to Leonardo as he shook his head desperately.

 _What am I doing?_ Leonardo shot out of bed and pulled his sobbing brother into his arms. _I can't do this._ “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Raph.” He had been so angry and he'd directed all of his venom at this Raph. _No, not_ _this_ _Raph, he's just Raph._ His rage had filled him until he could only see how different he was, how cheated he felt at recovering what he thought was a parody of his brother, an empty shell with his shape.

“You are his world, his link to this family.” Master Splinter's words echoed in his head. He had been angry at them too. What difference did it make if this was not his brother? _But he is._

Somewhere along the way in his despair and frustration he had given Raph another identity because he couldn't stand them being the same person. It hurt too much to think of this chubby, needy little thing as his burly, angry brother who fought him at every turn, with a sharp tongue but a quick smile.

“I miss you so much, Raph.” He covered his head with his hand and cried into his brother's shoulder as he held his trembling body tightly.

When Raph had calmed down he pulled him into his bed to lay beside him under the covers. He planted soft kisses as he wiped the wetness from his cheeks and whispered his apologies over and over again. “This isn't your fault, I was so angry and I took it out on you but none of this is your fault.”

Green eyes watched him intently as he spoke. He wasn't sure how much Raph could understand but after a while Raph pressed his lips to his and he let him. He wouldn't push him away again, he wouldn't fight this. He'd love him the way Raph needed to be loved, the way he needed it also. If he managed to pull him back whole and he hated him for it then he'd carry it with him until he found a way to fix it. If his family disowned him then so be it. He wouldn't deny his brother his affection.

Raph's body relaxed and he fell asleep curled into him, breathing softly. He pulled his scarred body closer, caressing the raised tissue criss-crossing over his soft limbs. “I love you.” He whispered against his skin. “Even if you never change back I'll love you with all my heart, forever.”


	5. The Battle. Part 1.

Raphael didn’t have to look at the purple one to know he was angry, he had been glaring and huffing at them all afternoon. He had started doing this a couple weeks after Blue had changed towards him. After the night he was almost kicked out of Blue’s room.

 _Leo, the blue one is called Leo_. Knowing that name warmed him and he repeated it over and over in his head as he leaned into the leaf green turtle while he read to him from a comic. Touching him was soothing in a way he couldn’t understand. Touching was safe and allowed. The voice didn’t tell him not to touch. His tone of voice was soft and he changed it when he read the different characters. He wasn’t paying attention to the words, it was really hard to listen to them so he only tried to when it was something important. Leo’s words kept the deep voice that echoed around inside his head at bay. It was the same voice that kept telling him to strike the rat down.

The orange one was going through the channels on TV ignoring everyone around him as Leo turned the page and began narrating again. He nuzzled into Leo’s shoulder taking in his scent in a soft sigh and in response he swung an arm behind his neck pulling him closer, laying the comic down on his lap. “Are you tired, Raph? Want to call it a night?”

He shook his head ‘no’ and Leo brushed his lips against the top of his head and continued reading.  _Leo Leo Leo Leo Le–_

“Don’t do that.” Purple snapped. “Why are you doing this?” He gestured at them. “Raph would hate it, you know.”

Leo stiffened and stopped his reading, turning towards the other turtle. “This is what Raph needs right now.”

“To be babied and coddled as if he were a child? If this were really Raph he would be angry, he’d hate you for it.” Purple was fuming, brown-red eyes piercing blue. Orange switched off the TV and faced towards them, eyes wide.

“I’ll deal with that if the time comes.” Leo answered.

“ _When_. You mean  _when_  the time comes.” Venom dripped off every word as he answered with a glare.

“Donnie…” Leo sighed and he felt his head rise and fall against Leo’s shoulder. He nuzzled a bit closer.

“You decide what he eats and portion his food, you read to him, and treat him like a pet! You’ve given up on getting him back, you’re enjoying this!” Purple accused. “That’s not Raph,  _real_  Raph would hate it. Real Raph would sooner punch you than cuddle on the couch. Stop it.”

“It  _is_  Raph, you just don’t see it! You don’t spend time with him. You need to stop seeing him as a test subject and more as your brother.”

A sniffle came from Orange and a moment later he felt his warm weight against his other side, pressing him further into Leo. “I’m sorry Raph.” He heard Orange saying softly. Orange had been avoiding him too but he didn’t mind too much as long as he could stay beside Leo. He closed his eyes and settled into the heat between both bodies.

“No.” Purple said resolutely but he didn’t open his eyes to look at him, he felt too warm and secure the way he was. “I won’t give up even if you two have. Raph won’t thank me for this when I get him back.”

“Maybe you can’t fix this, Donnie. What then?” Orange squeezed him a little tighter at Leo’s words and after a few seconds he heard the door to the lab slam shut.

“Let’s call it a night.” Leo said and his words came out as if he were supporting a weight on his chest. “I’m going to ask Master Splinter to start letting Raph train with us starting tomorrow. You’re going to need your rest.”

Orange pulled away and said goodnight while Leo took him by the hand and lead him to his room. That was another thing that changed that night, he didn’t have to sneak into Leo’s room any more. Leo made it no secret that they shared a bed every night. They hadn’t done anything else, he was content with the closeness and being able to sleep by him every night. He could sometimes get a few kisses out of him and a nuzzle but he knew Leo was uncomfortable with the arrangement enough as it was, he didn’t want to risk him being banned from his room. He needed to stay by Leo.

He walked into the room and let Leo pull off his gear for him before crawling into bed first and waiting for Leo to settle in beside him. The bed wasn’t very large and it took a bit of moving around to get comfortable but he didn’t mind. He shifted onto his side with his carapace against the wall to give Leo a little more space and then curled around him.

“Good night, Raph.” Leo reached to him and gave him a soft kiss on the lips before turning the bed side lamp off.

 _Goodnight Leo_ , he didn’t answer.

* * *

The next day he sat on the cold metal table as Purple manipulated his body roughly and took samples. He wasn’t spoken to as he ran his tests on him. The same as usual.

“Subject doesn’t respond to the new formula.” Purple spoke with a tired voice into the microphone of his computer. “The results are the same as previous tests performed on the sub–”

Purple cut off his sentence with a sharp intake of breath and he covered his face with his hand. His shoulders were trembling and jerking as he tried to choke back his sounds.

No… not 'Purple’,  _Donnie_. This sometimes happened to him. Every so often it was like peeking through a veil and he could almost see… something.

Donatello grabbed the rack with the test tubes he was labelling as he reported his findings and threw it all across the room to shatter against the wall. The loud crash lifted the veil further. He knew that kind of anger as if it were his own. He could almost taste that anger that always used to be bubbling right beneath his skin. Right  _beneath… his… skin._

“D-ddddd…” Donatello’s head shot up at the sound, pupils sharpening to pin points as they settled on him. He grunted in response and gathered his will to try again now that he had his attention. He focused on his anger that ran white hot and sharp in his senses, cutting through the fog. “Ddddd…nnnnnnn!” He had to stop to pant and catch his breath as Donatello ran across the room to him. This was so hard, he couldn’t speak but he had to let Don know. He could fix it if he knew, if he could tell him. He punched the table with a fist in frustration as Donnie reached him, hands squeezing his shoulders. He looked into his brother’s eyes with his frantic green ones, begging to be understood.

“Raph! What, Raph? Tell me! What do you want to tell me?” Don looked at him with a mixture of hope and pain.

“Ddddd…nnnnn!” He huffed, trying to talk was pointless. He lifted his arms to show him. _Look at me Donnie, look at what I’m trying to show you!_  His mouth wouldn’t cooperate, his whole body was shaking from the strain and he could feel the veil settling in again. “D-nnnie… aaaaAAAAAARGH!” He screamed, clawing at his arms and legs over the scars, raising skin and then breaking it.  _Understand me, Donnie!_  He begged him with his eyes while he cried out his fury and his frustration.  _Please! You need to… you need… need…_

“No! Nononono… NO!” Purple’s hands were on his cheeks rubbing them and then digging into his skin, shaking him slightly. “Raph! Come back, Raph! No! Look at me, damn it!”

The numbness enveloped him completely as Blue stormed through the door. He looked angry,  _why was he angry?_  Purple’s hands were pulled off him and he was pushed back behind Blue. He was yelling at Purple but he could barely hear them through the fog.

 _They are your enemies, you must destroy them when the time is right_ , his Master’s voice echoed in his head.

He looked up at Blue  who was holding up his arm by his wrist and looking at the bleeding scratches, gesturing at them and then yelling at Purple. The fog cleared slightly as he tried to focus on them. The voice had to be wrong, Blue was good, he was protecting him. Blue would always keep him safe, he had to follow Blue and listen to him, not the voice. Focus.

“He tried to talk to me, Leo! He was trying to say my name and tell me something!”

“What did you do to him? He’s even worse than before! You treat your brother as if he weren’t even a person, as if he were a  _thing_. I’m not going to allow you to mistreat him any longer. This ends  _now_.” Blue reprimanded.

Purple’s mouth snapped shut and he ground his teeth. “I can’t give up on this now, Leo! I saw him, it was Raph! I could see it in his eyes, he’s trapped in there!”

“THIS  _IS_  RAPH! Stop looking for your brother somewhere else!”

Purple flinched as if he had been slapped. After a moment of silence he answered in a much quieter tone. “You’re right.” Purple sighed and leaned against the table, shoulders drooping in shame. “I’ve been mistreating him and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Leo. I just couldn’t… I couldn’t think of him as Raph. I was wrong.” He paused to look Blue in the eye. “He tried to tell me something, Leo. I think we missed something important. I need to scrap everything and start again. I think I can do this. Please give me another chance.”

Blue’s anger seemed to deflate at the other turtle’s plea.

“Just blood tests and the basics. If I don’t find anything this time around I’ll concede to you.”

Blue nodded and put a hand on Purple. “It’s been hard on all of us, I know this has taken a toll on you especially. If you don’t find anything you need to know this isn’t your fault, Donnie. None of this is, okay?”

Purple smiled weakly and began collecting items from a cabinet at the back of the lab. He brought the gauze and antiseptic over to begin cleaning the scratches and cuts. This time, Purple was gently moving his limbs as he worked, talking softly to him under the watchful eye of Blue who kept a soothing hand on him.


	6. The Battle. Part 2.

Leonardo stroked a dark ashen-green arm gently as the owner of said arm turned away from him with a grimace. Donatello had just finished securing the IV bag on the metal stand and started the dripping through the catheter attached to Raph's wrist. He'd never been very good with needles. They had started the treatment about a month and a half ago after Donnie's tests finally brought results.

“HA!” Donnie's triumphant cry sounded throughout the lair and he immediately ran out of the lab and into the living room where the others were sitting. He waved a test tube with a slightly glowing green-blue liquid. “I found it!”

“What is it? What did you find?” Leonardo stood up without letting go of Raph's hand, squeezing it slightly in anticipation.

“The serum! It's based so closely off the mutagen we naturally have in our blood stream and cells that I didn't find it the first time. The formula is significantly changed, we weren't looking for something like this.”

“Does that mean you can give him a cure or something?” Mikey piped up, a happy grin on his face as his brother's enthusiasm spread.

“It degrades on its own. A cure isn't necessary nor will it be effective.”

“But if it degrades on its own why isn't he getting any better?” Leonardo asked.

“That's what I still need to find out. My theory is that they've used something more difficult to detect than the worms and harder to get rid of. I think that's what Raph was trying to tell me. The cuts weren't there to disguise the trackers, or rather, not the only reason. I think they're covering up the source of whatever is constantly feeding the serum into his system. Until I find and get rid of it he won't get any better.”

The excitement between the brothers had been short lived after Donnie had returned to them with a grim expression. He had performed a biopsy and found the source of the serum: microscopic mutant organisms similar to bacteria that were surprisingly resilient due to the mutagen. There were millions upon millions embedded into his muscles and bloodstream, spreading like a cancer. It was why they were treating him with chemotherapy enhanced with mutagen, the only thing Donatello had been able to find that worked.

Master Splinter didn't ask where the medication came from. It was better that way, Leonardo didn't want to have to defend the honour of his actions to his own father. The drugs used in chemotherapy were expensive and not easy to come by. None of them questioned what they would have to do to get their brother back even though they understood it would be something illegal. Their theft was even on the news and none of them were happy about it but it was the only way to get their brother the treatment he needed.

* * *

Leonardo looked down at Raphael, laying on the infirmary cot, who winced and pulled his arm away from his touch. He made a soft mumbled apology that Raph ignored. Sighing, Leonardo retrieved the cold packs from the little fridge in the lab and placed them on his brother's hands and feet. He knew the chemicals were burning through him and causing him discomfort though Raph would never say it. He had read up on the side effects of chemo after Raph started shutting him out and getting increasingly sick.

Raph received treatment every day for a week and then had a week off while his body recovered. In humans the time between sessions was longer but they didn't have mutagen to speed their recovery nor were they combating mutant-cancer that reproduced and recovered quickly between doses. They had been so hopeful at first, though a little scared. After the first couple days of treatment Raph started talking again, he was more himself every day and they were thinking this wouldn't be too bad. He seemed to be feeling fine and they just thought that maybe a mutant turtle was more resilient to the side effects.

Raph was sharing his bed again and even though they hadn't spoken about their arrangement Leonardo understood that now was not the time for that discussion. If he still needed him this way throughout his treatment he would not deny his brother. He would do anything if it would ease even just a tiny bit of his discomfort. Maybe he was being too much of a mother-hen but he was so worried.

“Raph, you need to drink more.” Leonardo had said after his first few days of treatment as he placed a glass in front of him and nudged it in his direction. He also put some pills by the glass of water. “Antiemetics.” He responded when Raph raised an eye ridge at him. “They're for the nausea.”

“What nausea? I'm feeling fine, I don't need no stinking pills I'm already taking enough drugs as it is.”

Leonardo couldn't be annoyed at his brother's words. He was so relieved he was talking and fighting him again. It brought back a normalcy that dissolved the tension he wasn't aware he had been enduring.

He watched his brother ignore the pills and reach for the glass, take a sip and grimace. “This tastes awful! What did you put in here?” He looked at Leonardo suspiciously.

“What? No! I just got it from the tap.” He took the glass from Raph and sniffed it, then tasted it. “It's just water, Raph, it tastes fine.”

Raphael snatched the glass from him, spilling some on the table as Leonardo rolled his eyes and dumped the rest in the sink. He filled the glass after rinsing it and sipped again with the same results. “It must be the chemo, Donnie said some things would taste differently to you.”

“Huh.” Raph answered but left the glass in the sink after making a face when he tried to drink some more.

That night Leonardo awoke to Raphael scrambling out of his grasp and tumbling on to the floor before retching on his hands and knees. His body shook as he just kept gagging and retching what little water he had been able to drink and even less food he'd had for dinner. Leonardo rose from the bed, startled, and knelt by him, a hand on his carapace and another on his plastron as he tried to lift him up slightly to keep him from falling forward into his vomit. 

He helped Raphael up when it seemed he was done, practically lifting him himself and steered him out of the bedroom and into the bathroom which was the door right next to his room. To Leonardo's alarm his brother's arms and legs were trembling and he was having difficulty holding himself up. Instead of going to the sink he pulled himself to the toilet where he continued to retch, dry heaving violently after expelling everything in his stomach.

When it looked like he couldn't stop and he kept whimpering and feeling weaker, Leonardo cried out for Donatello. His frightened call for help immediately drew his brothers and father into the bathroom. 

“Go away.” Raphael groaned at the others before gagging again. Donatello took one look and ducked out the door, returning with a glass of water and some pills. Master Splinter placed a hand on his shoulder but feeling his son tensing at the action he decided to leave them quietly. Raphael had his hand over his head, partially covering his face and the other over his stomach as Leo held him up kneeling in front of the toilet. He was covered in cold sweat and couldn't stop his body from shaking, leaning into his brother who was taking most of his weight.

He took the items from Donnie, swallowed the pills and sipped some of the water. He didn't even ask what they were and Leonardo bit back any reproach he might have had about Raph not taking the antiemetics earlier when he told him to. Not even a minute had passed before he was retching up the water and medication. 

“That's okay. Lets wait a while for your stomach to calm down and we'll try again.” Leonardo said as he tried not to wrinkle his snout at the sharp smell of bile.

When he continued to dry heave into the toilet. Mikey tried to sit down on his other side. Raphael shoved both he and Leonardo away. “Stop! Just, go to bed. I'm fine.” He said through pants.

He held onto the toilet seat with both hands. _Raph must hate looking so weak in front of us_. Leonardo thought to himself. He guessed it was part of the price of having him back and he found himself wishing that maybe he would have taken longer to recover his mind so he wouldn't have to suffer through this before he was better. He immediately dismissed the thought. He should be happy his brother regained control so quickly, he just didn't want him to suffer.

Donnie left another dose of medication by the sink. “Let me know if you need me again.” He said before turning to leave, he stopped by the door when Mikey didn't follow. He was whimpering softly, shifting from foot to foot by Raph. He didn't want to go.

“Mikey,” Leonardo started and caught his little brother's attention, “in my room... on the floor...” He hesitated and looked at Raph. He didn't want to make him feel more embarrassed. “If you could put some paper towels on the floor, I'll mop it up when we're done.”

“No. I'll do it. Don't--”

“It's fine, Raph. You're sick. Not like you've never taken care of me when I've been sick.” Mikey interrupted Raph who was struggling to talk through his nausea. He gave Leo a relieved smile knowing he could do something to help instead of trying to go back to sleep while his brother tried to throw up his insides.

Raphael didn't resist Leo's touch after they were alone again. He relaxed slightly into his brother's firm embrace and let him hold a cold wet towel against the nape of his neck and to his brow. Raph had practically melted into his arms, dozing lightly against him before Leo decided they should try the medication again. It didn't work, it just started the retching all over.

Leonardo winced in sympathy with every gag. Raph's groans were echoing around the tiled bathroom. He was weak and tired and feeling miserable. They had given up with the medication and concentrated on getting tiny sips of water into his body and trying to keep them there. Leonardo half carried him back to bed, thankful that Mikey had cleaned up earlier.

They couldn't get him to eat anything during the day. He was exhausted and slept through most of it anyway. Donatello brought the IV bag on its stand into Leo's room before motioning him to talk privately outside.

“He's not getting enough water.” Donnie said right away.

“I know but he says it tastes really bad, metallic and bitter. It makes him gag just drinking a sip. I don't want him throwing up all over again.”

“I'll put him on a drip but we need to get him something for the vomiting. The pills were a bad idea, he can't keep them down long enough to have any effect. We're going to need to raid another pharmacy.” Leonardo frowned at that and couldn't help his glance towards the dojo and Master Splinter's room. “We don't have a choice, Leo! If he isn't hydrated the toxicity level in his blood could become fatal. I don't want to wait to see if he gets better on his own.”

“Okay, we'll go tonight.”

* * *

Leonardo frowned at the memory. Raphael had not been happy about the suppositories Donatello brought to him that night, but he couldn't deny they worked. They helped immensely with the nausea and he knew better now than to stop taking them even if he felt okay. He was still losing so much weight so quickly though. It wasn't so much from the nausea but because everything tasted bad to him. Water was the hardest thing to make him take but he was hardly eating either. He should have read up on it all sooner. He wouldn't have made the same mistakes.

They had brought pizzas a day later as a treat, when he was on the antiemetics and not vomiting everything he ate any more. They had meant to cheer him up.

“What's that awful smell?” Raph had said from the pit where he was dozing off while watching some mindless show on the TV.

That should have been his first clue about what a bad idea this was. They called him to dinner and he walked over grouchily, then looked surprised when he sat down in front of the boxes of pizza on the table.

“Chocolate peperoni, your favourite!” Michelangelo said as he opened the boxes in a grandiose gesture as if he were revealing the big prizes on a cheesy (ha!) TV gameshow. All of the pizzas behind doors number 1, 2 and 3 were the same so he couldn't complain about someone taking his slices when he didn't like the other toppings as much.

Raphael looked at the pizza and put a slice on his plate but waited as he watched the others scarf theirs down hungrily. They all pretended not to watch him as he took a bite, his eyes widened in surprise and he covered his face with a hand as he chewed quickly. He seemed angry. After a few seconds he shot up and walked quickly to the garbage bin where he spat out his food. With an angry growl he grabbed his plate with the remaining pizza slice and smashed it against the wall. He stormed out of the kitchen as the others watched in silence.

He couldn't stand the taste of pizza.

They ate their dinner in silence. Mikey tried to hide the fact that he was crying quietly as he chewed and after he shrugged off Donnie's hand on his shoulder, the others pretended not to notice. Leonardo went to him after cleaning up the broken bits of ceramic and the greasy tomato sauce off the wall. He brushed his teeth quickly before entering his room and found it empty.

Raphael spent the next few nights in his own room and Leonardo didn't push him or question him about it. He'd be there if he was needed. He knew better than to push Raph when he needed space. He wouldn't even come out to the living room or for his meals.

The self-imposed solitary confinement didn't last long anyway, not after the fatigue settled in. Raph had been angry at not being able to train with the others while he was on treatment but he stopped complaining after he collapsed the first time.

He'd have bouts of fatigue where he would just be completely depleted of energy suddenly. He'd just sink to the floor, not being able to hold himself up any longer or even bring a glass of water to his lips. The first time they found him like that Leonardo had freaked, for lack of a better word. They found him on the floor of the living room after coming out of training, curled up as if he'd sunk to the floor on all fours and then tipped to the side on his way to his bedroom. He couldn't even push himself up or out of his position so they had to carry him to the infirmary. After Donatello's assessment Leonardo had taken him to his room and they had slept together again every night since then.

* * *

Donatello came back into the infirmary to switch the empty IV bag out for saline. Raph was done with his treatment for the week. Leonardo stood by his side with his arms folded so Raph could reach out and lean on him if he was needed. He wouldn't help him unless he asked or he saw he clearly needed it. He knew better now. He made no comment when Raph brushed by him. It was not the time to ask how he was. He knew he would only get an angry glare if he got any reply at all. He'd probably nap until it was time for dinner.

Instead of heading for the bedroom he went over to the pit bench and sat down. Leonardo sat wordlessly beside him and turned on the TV. Raph wouldn't mind what was on his concentration was shot with the meds. He couldn't read for a significant amount of time and could barely follow what was on though he liked to lie down in front of the TV with it on instead of staring into space. “Chemo Brain” they called it on the pamphlets he had found in Raph's trash bin. They didn't mention it out loud, Raph disliked the term or really talking about anything to do with his treatment.

Leonardo sat with him in silence and made no comment when Raph slid down the bench and put his head on his brother's thigh. His knee pad was probably in the way of his view of the TV but he didn't mention it or move to fix it. He was silently pleased at the gesture and didn't want to say anything that could bother him or provoke him to storm off to his room.

He kept his hands off the turtle, not sure if his touch was welcome yet. It wasn't in the infirmary. Raphael sighed and reached over to pull the pad slightly down to Leo's calf but left his hand on his thigh. Leo took this as an indication from Raph that it was okay to be touched now. Leonardo tentatively laid a hand on the other turtle's carapace and when he didn't move or complain he started tracing the grooves between his scutes in soothing, slow motions as he watched the TV. He decided he wouldn't move until Raph would. 

“Where's Mikey?” Raph mumbled sleepily against Leo's thigh a couple hours later. Leo's hand had moved to the soft skin between his shoulders right above the lip of his carapace and Raph moved his head forward a little to there would be more space for his fingers.

“Hmmm? Oh he's in the kitchen preparing something.”

“Oh Raaaaaphiiieeee!” Mikey called from the kitchen as he made his way to his brother. “I have something for youuuu!” He practically bounced over to Raphael, pulled him up and over to the kitchen. Raph complied even though he seemed annoyed.

“Why are you so smiley and why did you drag me here?” Raph grumbled as Mikey pushed him through to the kitchen.

“Youuu'll seeeee!” He sing-songed and then scrambled in front of him to pose. “Tadaaaaaa!” He exclaimed as if he were a magician that had just pulled off an incredible feat.

Raph looked around on the table in the centre of the room. There were jugs filled with coloured water, the empty packets strewn over the surface by them. Behind that there was bowl filled with different kinds of fruit, a plate with cooked veggies, another with cheeses and cold cuts and an assortment of candies, sweets and sauces.

“What is all this? I'm not hungry, Mikey.” He looked over everything sceptically. They had only figured out recently that he could tolerate potatoes and only if they were plain. They didn't really taste of much but they at least didn't make him gag.

“I had an idea! Water tastes gross to you so I thought... Kool-aid!” Raphael walked over to the coloured jugs and sniffed them experimentally. “and, and,” he continues excitedly, “then I thought that well, you don't hate the taste of everything, right? So we just have to figure out what you can eat now!” He swept his arm towards the display.

Leonardo smiled from the door and went to get glasses and plates, setting the first one in Raph's usual spot at the table. “We'll eat the stuff you don't like, don't worry about wasting food. Great idea, Mikey.” Leo said as he rubbed Mikey's head affectionately. “I'll go get Donnie and Master Splinter for dinner.”

Not everything was horrible. They made a few breakthroughs, thanks to Mikey who had always been the most empathic of the family. He had been very upset about Raph's inability to enjoy any food, specially pizza, (who'd want to live in a world without pizza!) and shared their worry at seeing Raph lose weight and muscle mass so quickly. The kool-aid water was a great discovery. No one could wipe off Mikey's happy grin after Raph tentatively tried a sip and then smiled at him gratefully before drinking some more.

* * *

Four months after the end of his treatment, Leonardo sat with Raphael on the ledge of a rooftop. They had gone out for a light training run along with April and Casey. Since Raph was with them they would be calling it early and heading back to the lair for a movie night.

Casey's obnoxious cackling could be heard cutting through the hoots and woops of the others. The teen had called a Battle Royale – winner takes all, challenge. Raphael had been the first to fall, he was still not in very good shape but he was glad they weren't going easy on him. His brothers had only struck out tentatively but Casey had gone all out and knocked him out of the competition right away.

“Sorry, Raph! Gotta take advantage while I can still beat ya!” He'd grinned wildly at the turtle on his ass before jumping his leg as it swung out to trip him with a laugh. Raphael had laughed back at him and tossed him a colourful insult and that had snapped the others back into the fight, not realising they had all stopped to watch the downed turtle.

“You should just give up now! I'm gonna make you all watch the sickest anime you've ever seen!” Casey called as he sped away from Donnie's spinning bo-staff on his skates, showing off with a spin as he winked at April.

“Don't be so sure about that, Jones!” Donnie answered as he caught the edge of one of the wheels before he was out of range and toppled the teen over. “HA! In your face! In! Your! Fa—”

His gloating was cut short as April took advantage of his distraction to get in a kick in the back of his knee that made him almost go down. He dropped and rolled quickly to recover, lifting his eyes with a hurt puppy expression at his aggressor. “I thought we were teaming up for this!”

“I never agreed to your deal. I am NOT watching documentaries the rest of the night!” She high-fived Mikey as he ran passed on his way to attack the olive turtle.

“Team romantic comedy FOR THE WIN, BOY!” Michelangelo wooped as he ran towards his brainy brother, letting loose his kusarigama chain hoping to tangle his long limbs but Donnie blocked it with his bo-staff and yanked as the chain wrapped around it, nearly unbalancing him.

Leo chuckled at the sight and Raph's eyes were drawn to him. Feeling observed, Leonardo turned to Raph raising an eye ridge at his thoughtful look. “What is it?”

Raphael looked away, “Nothing, it's just... This rooftop I...”

Leonardo looked to the rooftop-turned-battleground and sighed. This was the rooftop where Raph had kissed him while he was still mind controlled.

Raphael huffed and tried again. “About us... I'm really sorry Leo, I--”

“Don't.” Leo cut him off before he could continue. It was true they hadn't kissed again since he was back but even without that physical aspect of their relationship he knew something had been irrevocably altered between them. “You didn't make me do anything I didn't want.” Raphael looked at him with wide eyes and he continued. “I don't regret a thing. I'd do it over again if I had the chance.” He breathed in, gathering his courage. “I love you, Raph.”

Raphael ducked his head and the pensive look was back. Leonardo faced his other brothers' fight thinking the conversation was over but Raphael spoke again in a quiet voice. “What about Karai? I thought you loved her.”

“I thought so too.” Leonardo said after a long moment, weighing his words carefully.

Raphael's head snapped back to him. “So what happened?”

“You kissed me.” Leonardo answered with a smile.

A purple blush spread over Raph's cheeks and he turned his head away, facing the breeze as he blinked quickly, a shy smile on his lips. After a while he coughed and continued, “You going to let them pick romantic comedies for the whole night?” He faced Leo again but didn't look up at him. If his eyes were a little bright and wet, Leonardo pretended not to notice.

“Hmmm... I'm more in the mood for something with action.” Raph's eyes lit up and his shy smile turned into a bright grin. “Yeah, with explosions, lots of explosions.” He added before leaping off the ledge and into the fray.

Raph laughed as he heard his brothers and April whining “No fair!” to Leonardo as they nursed their bumps after being quickly knocked over by the blue-masked turtle. Hearing the sound of his brother's mirth he looked up at him and moved his head to indicate they were leaving.

“I think I'm in the mood for 'The Quick and the Angry 9' what do you think, Raph?” He pulled Raph to him and slung an arm over the shorter turtle's shoulders.

The others groaned at his choice and it made Raph's grin even wider. He moved his arm behind Leo's carapace, hooking his thumb on the leather strap attached to his katanas. “I think that's a great idea, brother!” He said as they started walking home.

 


End file.
